It’s 11:30 in the morning and you just received a text. You look down to see and it is from the random guy you met at a friend of a friend’s birthday party last week asking you what you did last night. You try to answer something that makes you look cool, not that you were binging The Crown in your sweatpants after two bottles of wine alone on a Saturday night. This keeps going on for several hours now and stretches into days. Congratulations, you are now in the first phase of a possible relationship: the talking stage. Now, what is the talking stage?
Located between heaven and hell, the talking stage is the never-ending loop of constant communication with another person in hopes for a romantic future until one of the two gets bored or actually asks the other out; also known as limbo. Through text, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, and/or even through phone calls, rounds of questions get thrown at us as if we were being interviewed, ultimately letting the other person know if we ran up enough brownie points to go out with them. You can’t be too dry and definitely not too emotional. Too many emojis is a big red flag and “jajajajajajjajajjaas” in every text are unnecessary. It ain’t funny. I’ve even had to google ‘what are hobbies’ just to sound more interesting because who even asks that?
These talking stages have taken over the dating scene, making everyone believe that one must go through them in order to get into a healthy relationship. Nope, not true. Let it be known that this stage can take time, and many times we get nowhere because the other person is either not interesting enough, not interesting at all, or you found yourself wasting a couple of months and forming a solid communication channel for it to be gone in two days. If this is all true, then why are people so obsessed with the talking stage and when is it enough?
Personally, I believe the word “dating” has been given a bad rap. Placed next to “commitment” and “relationship”, people have lost the true meaning of dating: going on one or more dates with one or more than one person at a time with the intention of getting to know each other. “Dating someone” brings in commitment, saying that you are seeing one person on a regular basis more than anyone else. As a practice, dating is meant to show casualness, not exclusivity or faithfulness. As a wannabee New Yorker, I have no interest in talking stages because honestly, I don’t have the time. And since I am short of time, wasting it talking to someone who might not even take me out to dinner? No thank you. That is why I date and ditch the talking stage all together. So, let’s talk about the simplicity and fun behind dating, actual dating.
When you date, instead of talking through the phone or any social media, your first intimate experience with the person is going on a date, like normal people used to do. Wherever you may have met them the first time, at a bar, through a friend of a friend, or you randomly met them at while walking your dog, the next time is a date. Most likely the person will grab your number or Insta and hit you up three days later to take you out to dinner or drinks, maybe even coffee. You can go to the park, go to the beach, watch a movie, etc. The possibilities for the first date are endless and gives you a chance to show off your creativity. This is the step where you get to talking and knowing each other, as in a physical talking stage, not spent over the phone. Once you go on a date, then you can open a channel of communication however you want, if you even want one. (FYI, just so we’re clear, when you go on these dates, you are not immediately tied to that person. You are just dating around. Once you pass the dating/talking stage, then you decide if you want to get tied down or leave it at dinner and drinks.)
So why are people giving dating such a terrible rap? I couldn’t understand why if I wanted to. I tend to think that maybe people do not want to waste their time on a date if they don’t get to know the person a little before but for me, it just takes the mystery away. So how can we get back to dating and how quickly can we do that? I’ll tell you how. Set your boundaries.
When getting to know a new person, if you see that they are heading you into the talking stage, quickly reroute them and let them know that you prefer communicating in person. “Hey, I don’t really like talking too much over the phone so do you wanna grab drinks with me sometime soon? I’d rather get to know you in person.” Without hurting anyone’s feeling, you set clear boundaries that let them know that you would rather spend a night talking in person than on the phone. This doesn’t mean you will never talk to them through the phone, it just opens the door for better in person communication. If you see that they are not willing to concede, then you already know what to do. Next! While the pandemic has deterred my dating life, I have gone through one or two talking stages in the last few months because of social distancing, and all I can say is that no matter how much older I get or the situation I’m in, I realize that they still suck. I really hope people start to realize the dread talking stages have, especially when everyone expects one form you. Be clear. Set boundaries. Go and date. Get a drink. Get 7, with 7 different people. No one cares, at least I don’t. Life is too short and we are too young to be spending time stuck on the phone trying to figure out someone’s birth chart by text. Do that stuff in person. I promise you won’t regret it!
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Last modified: June 22, 2021
